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Sometimes vanish like old friends or the garbage left by the curb on Tuesday night. I caress my scars. Dream about him next to me. Feel him in the night tending them. Believe that he’s there. Then there’s light and the shower is still running. I leave it on even though the water bill is too high to pay. I like the sound of the water rushing over me. Let the water pour. Clean and hot and desensitizing, destroying prints and calluses, burning away bacteria, boiling needles to the surface of my skin. Mindless, hopeless activity. I sit in the shower without forgiven and need and lust and longing. The scars will never vanish. Never fade completely. But remind me of the torture of trust, the fool who gives over. The emptiness that follows desire. All of it written in stitches across the scars and curves of fingerprints from homemade thread and sewn with the needles that were thrown at me. I say you must move on because the only way to live is for yourself. But the mirror doesn’t believe. The veil symbolizing that this time, for the first time, he is not fucking his girlfriend, he is not fucking his fiancée, he is fucking his bride, his wife.The Song: Our first dance as husband and wife has to be the Pointer Sisters, I’m So Excited. First dance we open up to all our guests, Let’s Hear It for the Boy. The Vows: We worked this out together, and we will each say these words to each other (is it any surprise that the line about worshipping each other’s bodies was my idea? I got the idea from a line in Prince Harry’s and Meghan’s wedding vows, “With my body I honour you.”):From now until the end of all eternityI worship your mind with my mindI worship your heart with my heartI worship your spirit with my spiritI worship your soul with my soulI worship your body with my bodyThere is no more mineThere is no more yoursThere is only oursWe are oneThere is no more meThere is no more youThere is only usWe are oneOur triumphs shall bring us joyFor we are sharing them.
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